Detox supplements are all bad, but these really take the cake!

The 5 Worst Detox Products In The History Of Ever

Written by Russ Howe PTI, and most recently updated 1 day ago.

8 min read

One of my recent articles exposed the absolute shit-show that is the detox industry, and today I’d like to show you a few examples of the worst detox products and supplements ever developed.

From juice shakes to crystal eggs, they’re all here!

Let’s get stuck in.


do juice shakes help you lose weight

Everyone knows someone who sells these things.

She’s a judgy motherfucker, too, right?

Every day you see her stalking the schoolyard at pickup time looking for unsuspecting mothers who are too polite to say no, until one day, during a crazy morning where you arrive late with your 5-year old under your arm wearing underpants on his head and a Nutella smile reminiscent of Heath Ledger’s Joker, you realize she’s got you cornered!

Fuck.

And it turns out that not only is Jayne offering you the chance to lose weight, but also to increase your income because there’s a neat multi-level marketing scam home-based business opportunity attached to these nifty little juice shakes.

When we get down to the science behind these things you’ll see that, despite all of the hype around removing dangerous toxins from your body, they’re little more than over-priced Fruit Shoots which will do no such thing. The lack fo evidence to support their claims means they need to go all-out in a bid to impress you with flashy hype and crazy weight loss promise, so that’s what they do.

For example, Green Supreme (by Suja Juice) claims that it will rejuvinate your body with its blend of vitamins and minerals (which they never show you) but they fail to point out that there’s 39 grams of sugar in each serving. At a whopping $4 per serving, you would do a whole lot better by simply adding vegetables to your plate!


do detox diets work

Nine times out of ten you’ll find that fat burner pills do absolutely nothing for you, and the other time they’re potentially deadly.

These supplements are notorious for being a fucktacular shitnado of ass, and companies often align themselves with bottom-level celebrities in a bid to hijack their audience. Most celebs don’t really mind, because they get paid for endorsing the product, and some are already engaging in giving silly dietary advice to their followers anyway, like former-MTV douche Holly Hagan got in deep water for telling her followers that taking carb blockers would prevent excess sugar from being stored as fat.

DETOXES DONT WORK

But while I can maybe forgive reality stars for this type of behaviour for wanting to make a quick buck, that same forgiveness doesn’t extend to fitness professionals.

I’m talking about you, Jillian Michaels.

After finding fame as one of the hard-ass coaches on The Biggest Loser, Ms. Michaels created a supplement company and then set about taking advantage of her inexperienced social media followers in any way possible. One of those supplements, Probiotic Replenishment Metacaps, was said to “clear away harmful toxins from your body, while supporting the colon, digestive system, and liver detoxification process”.

Could it really? Could it fuck.

The product was quickly removed from sale, but perhaps the worst part is that this wasn’t even her first rodeo, having been sued on three prior occasions over false advertising claims regarding her fat burner pills.


why detox supplements don't work

Not all heroes wear capes, and not all detox supplements involve shakes and pills.

One of the most popular options in this category includes bodywraps, which are manufactured by a company called It Works! Ironically, it fucking doesn’t. The company claim that their special clingfilm will help iron out evil toxins and reshape your body, but there isn’t a shred of scientific data to support their claims, but they refused to let that stand in the way of a good gimmick.

Then there’s detox foot pads. You’re instructed to place these under your feet before bed, and poof! You will awaken to see a layer of nasty-looking brown sludge on them, which the manufacturer claims is “all of the dangerous toxins which have been pulled from the body overnight”. In reality this happens because the product contains wood vineger, which turns brown when mixed with perspiration.

And finally, you’ve got colon cleansing capsules.

Yep, I’m going there.

The idea is that you’ll eat some of these bad boys and immediately want to shotgun the closest toilet cubicle in a scene reminiscent Arnold Schwarzenegger vs the T-1000. Those of you who are brave/stupid enough to look down at the bowl (yikes) will notice that your poop resembles a long black snake, and the manufacturers claim this is because their miracle pills have yanked a bunch of dangerous toxins from your body, but the truth is the pills contain a polymersing agent, which essentially puts a plastic overcoat on your shit. Nice.

That’s the kind of shithousery you’re dealing with here, people!


Gwyneth Paltrow detox supplements

It’s a shame because I do enjoy some of her movies, but the fact is this actress-turned-liar actress-turned-saleswoman is responsible for a large chunk of the nonsense which surrounds detox diets and supplements.

Her lifestyle brand Goop! produces a whole range of bogus products claiming to be magic bullets for all things related to health and wellness, and she’s made millions selling it to gullable social media followers who will buy anything with the brand’s name on it – even after admitting the products were absurd on national television.

The advice and creations of Gwyneth/Goop! range from the downright silly (a $66 crystal egg which you’re supposed to shove where the sun don’t shine is a bid to make yourself feel ‘at one’ – here’s what a gynecologist had to say about that), to the potentially dangerous, like when she scoffed that new mothers who are struggling to lose baby weight should do a 2-week raw goat milk cleanseGoop! even recommended breastfeeding parents ween their kids with said goat milk.

Please don’t do that, it’s really fucking dangerous.


the master cleanse diet

The Master Cleanse is a diet plan which shot to fame in 2006 after Beyonce used it for a couple of months.

The creators claim that this diet can cure you of anything (from skin conditions, to low energy, to cancer – not joking!), as well as leading to insane weight loss results. They’ll tell you eat just 600 calories per day (?!) while also taking a bunch of laxatives, which are said to “cleanse your body of toxins from the inside out”.

In a 2008 study titled “The Dubious Practice Of Detox”, researchers from Harvard gave this damning conclusion:

Bogus claims of insane weight loss are part and parcel of fad diets like this, but the fact that they are also targeting vulnerable people (e.g. cancer patients) shows me that the creators of The Master Cleanse are reckless, conscience-free, apolcalyptic-level thundercunts and, quite honestly, I hope their next poop is a fucking hedgehog.


Any supplement which claims it can detox your body is bullshit.

The detox industry thrives on hype and misinformation, and is in dire need of proper rules and regulations if it’s ever going to stop charlatans from taking advantage of people in need.

I’ve tried my best to wrap the worst products up in this article, but you still need to keep your wits about you, because there are new ones (each more ridiculous than the last) popping up all the time.

Heck, I had a salesman in my gym just last week, telling fitness enthusiasts that they’re all in danger of mercury poisoning as a result of eating tuna (and of course offering a capsule which would “cleanse them”). Now, mercury poisoning is definitely a real thing, but in order to crank your mercury levels as high as this chump was claiming, you’d have to get bummed by AquaMan.

Stay safe out there.

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I’m Russ. I’ve been a personal trainer since 2002, and I own russhowepti.com.

My job is to simplify fitness for my readers.

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