One of my recent articles exposed the dumpster fire that is the “health and wellness” industry, and today I’d like to expand upon that some more by highlighting what I consider to be the absolute worst of the worst.
Fucking detoxes.
We all know someone who sells this stuff, right?
Heck, just last week there was a guy at my gym trying to push so-called “cleansing capsules”, which he claimed could stop you from catching mercury poisoning from eating tuna. Now, mercury poisoning is a real thing, but in order eat so much tuna that this became a common health concern you’d need to get bummed by Aqua-Man!
(And there’s my article cover.)
This is the kind of shithousery the detox industry is known for, and products range in craziness from overpriced juice shakes to ridiculous crystal eggs which are meant to be shoved between your cheeks (not joking!), so now it’s time to debunk the holy hell out of these misleading motherfuckers.
Let’s go!
5. Smoothies, Teas And Shakes
Legend says you’re always within 100 metres of someone who sells these.
You can spot your local juice salesperson stalking the school yard at pickup time, searching for flustered parents who are just the right amount of intimidated and too polite to say no.
And one day it’ll be your turn; probably on the day you’re running late, just as you burst through the school gates with your 5-year old tucked under your arm wearing underpants for a hat and boasting a Nutella smile reminiscent of Heath Ledger’s Joker.
Fuck.
You see, it turns out “Jayne” (if that’s even her real name) is a Herbalife rep, and she wants to give you the chance to live your #dreamlife by signing up to this expensive pyramid scheme home-based business opportunity which involves selling so-called weight loss shakes to your friends and family.
But despite all of Jayne’s hype about how her so-called miracle drinks can “remove dangerous toxins from your body”, there’s a noticeable lack of scientific evidence to actually show that these products are anything more than a very over-priced Fruit Shoot. For example, Green Supreme by Suja Juice claims that it will “rejuvinate your body with its blend of vitamins and minerals”. They never tell you what that blend is, of course, nor do they make it clear that each bottle contains a whopping 39 grams of sugar (!).
Honestly, you could do better than these drinks by simply adding some vegetables to your meals.
4. Fat Loss Capsules
Here’s the weird thing about fat burners:
- 9 times out of 10 they do absolutely nothing.
- The other time they’re dangerous.
Seriously, this area of the supplement industry is a fuck-tacular shitnado of ass, but that doesn’t stop reality television stars from pushing it towards their unsuspecting social media audience in exchange for cold, hard cash.
Sometimes these celebs even throw in crazy dietary advice, too.
But while I can forgive this type of nonsense from social media folks, I can’t be so nice when it comes to fitness professionals. I’m talking about you, Jillian Michaels. You see, after achieving fame via The Biggest Loser, Ms. Michaels went on to launch a supplement company which has done its very best to take advantage of her inexperienced audience at every opportunity.
A good example of this is the product Probiotic Replenishment Metacaps, a so-called detox supplement which the brand claimed could “clear away harmful toxins while supporting the colon, digestive system, and liver”.
None of those statements were true, and the product was quickly removed from sale, but the worst part of that story is that this wasn’t even her first rodeo, having previously been sued for making false advertising claims on her fat burner capsules on no less than three times. WHAT THE FUCK?!
3. Wearables (Masks, Wraps, Socks, Pads, Creams, etc.)
Not all heroes wear capes, and not all detox supplements involve shakes and pills.
Take detox foot pads, for instance. You’ll stick these to the bottom of your feet before bed, and awaken to see a nasty layer of brown sludge on them.
The manufacturer claims this is “a dangerous combinations of toxins which have been pulled from your body overnight”, but it’s really just wood vinegar, an ingredient within the product which is known to turn brown when combined with human sweat.
And then there’s the altogether different (but equally disturbing) colon cleansing capsules.
Yep, I’m going there.
After popping some of these bad boys you’ll shotgun your toilet in a scene reminiscent of Arnold Schrwarzenegger vs the T-1000, and those of you who are brave enough to look down at the bowl will notice your poop looks like a long black snake.
The manufacturer claims this is because their miracle capsules have yanked a bunch of dangerous toxins from your body, but really it’s because they contain a polymersing agent, which is like putting a plastic overcoat on your poop.
Nice.
2. Anything Sold By Gwyneth Paltrow And Goop!
Oh, Jesus, it’s time to talk about Goop!
This is the lifestyle brand from actress-turned-liar actress-turned-saleswoman Gwyneth Paltrow.
Yes, “Goop!” produces a large range of silly products which claim to be magic bullets for anything related to health, wellness, chi, and weight loss.
Over the last decade or so Paltrow and co. have made millions of dollars from shilling this nonsense to her gullible social media audience, and it shows no sign of slowing down – even after she poked fun at her own customers for believing the crazy hype on their products in a TV interview!
A lot of the stuff which has been release by “Goop!” is just useless, e.g. a $66 jade egg which you’re supposed to ram inside your lady garden to achieve oneness (here’s what a Gynaecologist had to say about that), but occasionally they venture into the downright dangerous, e.g. when Gwyneth told new mothers that the best way to lose baby weight is to do a 2-week raw goat milk cleanse and then even recommended using said goat milk to ween their kids off breast milk (please don’t, it’s really fucking dangerous).
1. The Master Cleanse
The Master Cleanse is a short-term diet which found fame in 2006 when Beyonce mentioned it.
Its creator claims that it can cure you of any disease known to man (not joking), as well as giving you insane weight loss results.
Claims of huge weight loss are par for the course with silly diet plans like this, but the fact that they are targeting vulnerable people (they have ads aimed at cancer patients) shows us that these chumps are apocalyptic-level thundercunts, and I hope their next poo is a hedgehog.
Anyway, the diet plan itself consists of eating just 600 calories per day (!) and swallowing a bunch of laxatives in order to “cleanse your body of toxins” (where have we heard that before?).
Here’s what researchers from Harvard had to say:
“Despite having no evidence to show its effectiveness, The Master Cleanse remains a popular Hollywood diet.
Participants are instructed to follow a very low 600 calories per day meal plan which is lacking in protein, fat, and essential vitamins and minerals. Trainees see a rapid weight regain after stopping The Master Cleanse because the vast majority of the weight lost is nothing but water, and the accompanying daily laxative recommendations can also cause severe dehydration.”
Further Reading:
If you enjoyed this blog, then you’ll probably also like reading these.
>> Why Detox Diets Are Total BS
>> Clean Eating Sucks And You Know It
>> Russ’ Guide To Supplements That Actually Work